Drifting off course and snapping back into focus

Bless me Father for I have sinned. it has been 7 days since my last blogpost.

It happens to all of us. At least I think it does. I hope it does. I hope it’s not just me.
It’s been a struggle the past few days to be honest. I started a new work contract last week that fills my work day and a good three hours of paperwork in the evening. It is long overdue. Since last October when I had to quit work to be at home for my children after the assault incident, I have not had a regular income and it has been an increasing financial nightmare as the savings ran dry. Now, of course, my private practice work has suddenly taken off again just as I start a new contract. I’m not complaining – the more money, the better, given the debts we have run up, but there are only so many hours in the day. I have been working till about 1AM every night and getting up at 5.30 to keep things moving, which doesn’t fit well with my ‘Sleep and hydration are the most important factors in your health and fitness’ schtick, but needs must. The upshot of this though is I have not found time to write. It has been frustrating in fact because while I having been driving around in the day I have had loads of good ideas for posts and composed several in my head but at one o clock in the morning I really don’t have the energy to put them down on laptop.
I have done my best to keep up with exercise in some form or another every day. I have only managed a couple of times to get a full scheduled workout in, but even on the busiest days have made sure I do sets of hanging leg raises and pullups every time I go from kitchen to dining room, and sets of pushup while my computer is uploading data and so on. It’s not ideal, but it’s better than nothing.
At the beginning of the week this rather annoyed me. By midweek it was beginning to get me down. I could see all the efforts I had put in until now slipping away with my gainz and me ending up my cut skinnyfat and puny and the blog gone and forgotten.
Then I pulled myself together a bit. It was only a few days. Now I have settled into the new work pattern I will find ways of reprogramming my daily routines so I have time for regular workouts again and I am thinking of getting a dictaphone or something (surely there must be some kind of voice to word processing app I can get for my phone?) so I could dictate my blog thoughts as I go along during the day. It is a minor blip, not the end of the world. We never tend to see things like that when they start drifting off course though. It always feels like irreversible catastrophe.
But its isn’t. Things happen. Life gets in the way. We make our plans but  no plan ever survives first contact with the enemy, as they say. Progress is not always linear. We stumble and fumble our way forward (why do so many words ending in umble have to do with stuttering progress? stumble, fumble, bumble, mumble…?). The important things is we keep moving forward and don’t let a temporary derailment or diversion rob us of all momentum.

Before this all just sounds like a load of excuses, I have actually been doing a lot of interesting thinking about the direction of the blog and my own direction in fact. Doing a lot of driving again every day has meant I have been spending a lot of time listening to podcasts, and I have listened to several really interesting people in the past couple of weeks and a lot of really thought provoking ideas. It has made me think a lot more about … well, I suppose ‘the usual’ deep existential shit about existence and meaning and purpose and so on, but more specifically in terms of what it means to be in the latter half of one’s life, and what our potential is, what it could be and what it should be. How we can become better humans as we age – not just resisting the ageing process and fending off the creakiness and memory loss, but evolving into better versions of what we were, in mental, physical and (gulp) spiritual terms. Better older people than it was possible to be previously. I haven’t had any great Eureka! moments – if anything it has raised more questions than it has offered answers, but it has been really stimulating. I feel more excited than I have been in quite a while about … stuff. I intend to explore some of these ideas on the blog in the weeks to come. Part of the reason why I haven’t been just dashing off quick posts in my lunch break this past week is that I have been turning all this stuff over in my mind and it’s not really ‘knock out a brisk 300 words’ type material. I suddenly have a new pile of books at my bedside (and no time to read them) and a listening list that will keep my journeys busy for a good few months to come (must get that dictaphone so I can make notes and bloggle as I go).

So, yeah… that. Interesting times ahead.

 

Comments

  1. GoogleMe

    Really interesting blog… I wonder if the slight sense of panic at things slipping away is a) good to impel action and b) foster reflection on what really needs to be hung onto and what can go hang.

    Squats whilst the sink filled for a wash… meant the water was pleasantly hot instead of lukewarm. Win win!

  2. Julia Holman

    When I worked in DEVON and commuted every day ( not sure why that
    S in shouty Capps) I used to do a lot of planning and thinking when I was driving. I spent time considering all the different ways I could capture my thoughts. Then I just accepted it was reflection time as it helped cement my plans and thoughts so that I was clear about my focus at the start of the next week. Actually it’s just about getting through and surviving.

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